The Art of Clear Communication (Especially When Family Is Hard)

TL;DR:

• The holidays often test our communication skills and boundaries; especially around people who activate old roles or patterns.
• Healthy communication lives between passivity and aggression — in the assertive middle.
• Before speaking to others, it helps to check in with ourselves: what we want, what we can give, and whether the people we’re speaking to are capable of reciprocity.
• Sometimes communicating honestly means that not everyone will be happy — and that’s okay. 



When The Group Chat Turns Into a Stress Test 

It starts innocently enough — the family group chat lights up with, “What’s everyone doing for Thanksgiving this year?”

You see the message preview, and your stomach tightens. There’s a flicker of dread that has less to do with logistics and more to do with history — the negotiations, the guilt trips, the subtle pressure to keep everyone happy.

Holidays have a way of activating old dynamics. Even people who communicate well in most areas of life can feel themselves slipping back into familiar family roles. The same conversation that feels easy at work can suddenly feel impossible with your own family.

And even if your plans are already set, this pressure can show up in last-minute conversations, emotional reactions, and the unspoken expectations that come with this week. 

Finding The Middle Ground 

When we talk about healthy communication, it’s easy to think of it as a personality trait — you either “have it” or you don’t. In reality, it’s a skill that lives in the middle space between two extremes: passive and aggressive.

• Passive communication often sounds like, “It’s fine.” (When it’s not fine.)
• Aggressive communication sounds like, “Get over it. This is what we’re doing.”
• Assertive communication lands somewhere between — “I’m looking forward to seeing you. Just as a heads up, I’ll need to leave by 8.”

Assertiveness is direct and respectful. It’s not about being louder or tougher; it’s about being clearer. You express your needs without minimizing or bulldozing anyone else’s.

That middle space is the goal — but it’s also the hardest to stay in when emotions run high. 

Start By Communicating With Yourself 

Before you start the texts or step into the house, pause. It can help to do a quick internal check-in.

• How are you feeling heading into this holiday?
• What matters most to you?
• What boundaries are non-negotiable, and where are you willing to be flexible?

Listening to your instincts about what you want — and what you’re done pretending about — gives you a grounded starting point.

This kind of internal clarity becomes your anchor. When you know what you value and what you need, you’re less likely to get pulled into guilt, resentment, or performative harmony. 

Consider Your Audience 

Assertiveness works best with people who can meet you halfway. Not everyone can.

Healthy communication depends on reciprocity — and some family members simply don’t have the skills or willingness to engage that way.

Before you decide how to approach a conversation, ask yourself: Is this someone who can hear me with respect and care?

If the answer is yes, speak clearly and trust the relationship to hold it. If the answer is no, you still have options:

• Try anyway, with boundaries and realistic expectations.
• Or, adjust your “math” — limit how much time, energy, and/or vulnerability you offer.

Maybe that means staying for dessert but not for the whole evening, or skipping a debate that’s likely to devolve.

Either way, you’re choosing with intention, not reacting out of habit. 

You Can’t Please Everyone (and shouldn’t try to) 

Sometimes, no matter how thoughtful you are, someone will be unhappy.

That’s not a sign you did something wrong — it’s a sign that you included yourself in the equation.



If “everyone” seems happy, it’s worth asking whether you quietly absorbed all of the downside to make that possible.

Boundaries are rarely universally pleasing. But they’re what make sustainable relationships possible. They help us interact with others without losing ourselves. 

Practicing Steadiness  

Healthy communication isn’t about getting every interaction right. It’s about showing up with steadiness — honest, respectful, and willing to tolerate the possibility that someone won’t love what you said.

The goal isn’t to keep the peace at any cost. It’s to stay in touch with yourself while you navigate people you care about (and people who are harder to care about).



That’s the art of clear communication — not perfection, but staying present and engaging with intention. 

Reflection prompt: 

Where do you tend to land on the communication spectrum — passive, aggressive, or assertive?



What helps you move toward the middle when things get tense? 

Want support with follow-through or getting unstuck? 

Explore my free resources or connect and explore therapy and coaching options. You don’t have to figure it out alone.