The Three Gates of Speech: A Filter for Clear, Kind Communication

Have you ever had that moment after a conversation where you start second-guessing yourself? Maybe you offered feedback and the other person bristled. Later, you’re replaying it in your mind, wondering:

Was I too blunt?
Or were they defensive about hearing something hard?
Did you cross a line—or hit a nerve?

It’s uncomfortable territory. And without a framework, it can be easy to spiral into self-doubt,

guilt, or confusion.

That’s where the Three Gates of Speech becomes useful pause that gives you space to re-center.

This framework is widely used in mindfulness and communication literature to support what

Buddhist teachings call Right Speech—language that is truthful, useful, and gentle. Before

saying it out loud, filter what you’re about to say through three questions:

1. Is it true?

Does what I’m saying line up with reality—not assumption, projection, or someone else’s version of the story?

2. Is it necessary?

Does this need to be said now , by me , and in this way ? (Sometimes timing and tone matter more than content.)

3. Is it kind?

Kind doesn’t mean “nice.” Kind means: Does this honor my integrity and the other person’s humanity?

If you’re curious about the origins of this framework, here’s a helpful overview of how it connects

to the Buddhist concept of Right Speech .

Before speaking:

If you tend to speak quickly or impulsively, the gates can act as a built-in pause.
Ask the three questions before responding, especially when emotions are high.
The goal isn’t censorship—it’s to make sure your words are aligned with your intention vs only a reflection of the emotion of the moment.
If you’re preparing for a difficult conversation, this companion post walks you through a step-by-step framework for planning what to say and how to stay steady.

After speaking:

If you’re replaying a hard conversation, use the gates for reflection.
“Was it true?” helps separate the facts from your or the other person’s interpretation. It can also help us notice when we slip up, to understand where our logic went awry.
“Was it necessary?” checks for timing, motive, and whether you were speaking to regulate your discomfort.
“Was it kind?” allows you to repair if you went too far — or let go of guilt if someone reacted defensively to something that was said with care. This can be really useful if a person reacts defensively and the conversation gets twisty. Someone struggling to hear your perspective is different from you being unkind.

When listening:

The gates can also help you understand your reaction to someone else’s words:

Maybe it’s untrue, which can give you space to think about whether or not that’s a pattern to watch out for.
Maybe their message was true, but delivered without kindness.
Or true and kind, but not necessary.
If you’d like to understand what happens inside your nervous system when someone’s words hit you, you might find this companion post helpful: Crashing Out: When Big Feelings Hijack the Wheel.

Recognizing which “gate” wasn’t met helps you respond with intention instead of absorbing the

blow. If you’re interested in the research behind compassionate communication, Greater Good

Science Center has a great collection of articles.

The Three Gates cultivate two skills that often get treated as opposites but actually strengthen

one another:

Discernment. Knowing what’s yours to say — and what’s not.
Self-trust. Feeling confident that your words reflect your values, even if the conversation isn’t smooth.

Over time, this practice teaches you that clarity and compassion can coexist—and that

grounded communication doesn’t require perfection.

Want a deeper look at how you relate to yourself when you’re stressed or second-guessing?

Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Quiz is a great, research-backed way to explore your baseline

and notice where you might treat yourself more gently.